90s, Quick Lists, Video Games — February 27, 2012 10:29 am

6 Terrible Atari Jaguar Releases

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The Atari Jaguar is an unusual system for sure and maybe it doesn’t get enough credit. It’s the 64-bit monster that just… couldn’t. At any rate, they did release some bizarre games. And some terrible games. And a few games that share both of those characteristics. Here are some Jaguar games worth playing just to truly appreciate how awful they are.

6 – Cybermorph

Make it stop!

Cybermorph came with the Jaguar system, which is the only reason anyone has ever played it. A textureless flying game with no depth and a bald green woman creepin’ onscreen to judge your flying skills? Gosh, why wouldn’t that fly off the shelves?

5 – Pinball Fantasies

Next up: Solitaire 64!

Remember that pinball game that came with some computers back in the mid 1990s? Imagine that on the Jaguar. Way to take advantage of the technology there, Atari.

4 – White Men Can’t Jump

Atari Executives Can’t Choose Decent Games

I realize that videogame movie tie-ins are quite common, but is it necessary for White Men Can’t Jump? It’s two-on-two basketball, and it did come with the Team Tap adapter, allowing for four players instead of the two the console allows for. The graphics are bizarre to say the least—think early choppy Sega CD characters on top of Sega Genesis backgrounds… which pretty much describes every Jaguar game.

3 – Baldies

A game way too extreme to really take off.

Before the Jaguar crawled under the porch to die like the diseased cat that it was, it chucked out a CD add-on system. I guess Atari saw how well it was working for SEGA and decided they should cash in. One of the few games released for this elusive CD add-on was called Baldies, which was basically a Sim City type game with bald dudes running around. The Baldies would also produce baby baldies when left alone in a shack. Yeah, it was pretty hot. In addition to building up their village, Baldies also had to fend off their long time enemy, the Hairies. You can’t even make that up.

2 – Attack of the Mutant Penguins

Hear that crisp 64-bit sound!

From the name alone, Attack of the Mutant Penguins sounds like a game anyone would enjoy. When you start playing it though, it’s more like a watered down Toe Jam & Earl that bombards you with endless popup windows telling you useless tips about collecting dumb crap. Add to that a lack of background music that only accentuates the creepy groaning and laughing throughout the levels and you have yourself some false advertising.

1 – Bubsy in Fractured Furry Tales

Has anyone gotten past the first level?

In spite of this game being horrible and impossible to play, I skipped school years ago to make sure I won a copy off eBay. Ten years later, I’m stuck with this game I never play and I still don’t know long division. Accolade really got you with Bubsy’s Claws Adventures of the Furred Kind on the Genesis/SNES, only to crap this out on the Jag a couple years later. Fractured Furry Tales lacks the personality of Furred Kind, but adds that element of gameplayer rage.

Did we unintentionally ignore one of your least-favorites? Leave a comment!

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