80s, 90s, Comics, Movies, Quick Lists, TV — May 22, 2014 8:00 am

7 X-Men Characters That Won’t be in a Movie Anytime Soon

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With Marvel movies being cranked out faster than cotton candy on a hot summer day at the fair, you’d think they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for new characters to include.  Instead, film makers have resorted to including characters from other franchises or just making up new ones all together for the big screen.  I think that’s a pretty clear indication as to how producers really feel about some of the lesser-known X-Men team members.

Here are seven X-Men characters that won’t be in a movie anytime soon.

7 – Dazzler

Too bad she doesn’t get any respect.
Let’s just get this out of the way, now.  Marvel tried to make Dazzler a popular character by including her in the “Pryde of the X-Men” TV pilot, the arcade game, and even bit parts on the 1990s X-Men show, but she just never caught on with the crowd.  She was actually one of the strongest (read: most badass) characters in the pilot, so it’s too bad she kind of fizzled after that.

6 – Doop

doop_001Somebody ran into this cockroach up on 12.

This WHYSOSERIOUS looking Slimer is a leftover military experiment with the ability to float, heal quickly, and also store people in the extra-dimensional void inside his body.  Doop also speaks in his own language, which a Marvel editor warned fans not to attempt to decode.  Yikes!  Who knows, maybe the hype surrounding Ghostbusters 3 will prompt Marvel to cash-in on this character in a feature film.  Seriously, this guy is making me want some Ecto-Cooler.

5 – Albert & Elsie-Dee

albertelsiedee_001

Say it out loud to get the joke: “Elsie-Dee”.  See?

Albert is a robot version of Wolverine and his sidekick Elsie-Dee is a walking bomb disguised as a little girl, both out to destroy Mr. Adamantium… for good!  No worries, though.  After they saw Wolvie’s charming personality, they decided to sacrifice themselves to save him.  It’s a lucky thing he was in a good mood the day they met!

4 – Longshot

longshot_001

He’ll poke your eye out with those things!

His MacGyver looks perfectly lend to his associated power of changing the probability of outcomes.  Longshot has some pretty intense storylines, including one where he comes to terms that his powers don’t work in death because he is denied entrance to Heaven.  It might be a while before you see this guy in a movie, so return to your floppy disk copies of X-Men II for DOS to catch him in the meantime.

3 – Goldballs

goldballs_001Goldballs: Proof that not every mutant can fly, read minds, or shoot laser beams.

If you grew up watching the 1990s animated series, you probably thought Jubilee had the most ridiculous power in the Marvel universe.  In that case, I’m about to blow your mind with this guy’s powers: he manifests gold balls from his body that make a “poink” sound when they hit something.  Yes, he basically shoots ping-pong balls out of his skin.  I suppose we could see him when there’s another mega-mutant X-Men movie with a budget that spirals out of control.  At that point, they may just tap any sponsorship they can.  “Stiga? Yes, we’d love to feature your table tennis balls in our newest film and have we got the perfect character to use them!”

2 – Cypher

cypher_001This card haunted my dreams as a child.

One of the more memorable characters to get a special “deceased” card in the 1994 Fleer Ultra X-Men trading cards, Cypher actually has a pretty cool power.  He can pick up new languages at lightning speed, from Spanish to Java Script to your frat buddy’s drunken chit chatting.  Unfortunately, as the back of the trading card put it, “Cypher’s mutant power was of limited use in combat”.  Guess we won’t be seeing him in any big battle scenes any time soon.

1 – Morph

Best use of a superpower… ever.

Mystique wins the popularity contest with the power of shape-shifting, but Morph definitely wins the cool contest with his ability to make himself laugh.  One of his hobbies is flipping through channels, turning into anyone on screen to make fun of their bad dialogue.  Would Mystique ever do anything cool like that?  Didn’t think so.  Unfortunately, she’s already dominating the movies, so I doubt we’ll ever see Morph hit the big screen.  Then again, I didn’t expect to see Bishop on a box of Twinkies to promote the latest X-Men movie.  Life is filled with surprises!

bishoptwinkies_001 But not as deliciously filled as these strawberry snack cakes!

Additional images courtesy: marvel.wikia.com, ebay.com

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