80s, 90s, Blog, Characters, Commercials, Food, Movies — June 12, 2017 3:08 pm

Cereal Origin Stories Hollywood Style

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Look, you read this article title and were like, “Really?  Cereals with a backstory?”  Well, Hollywood has been doing it with everything else for years.  I mean, there is a Battleship movie.  Really?  Did that need a deep origin story?  Well, somewhere between the Battleship movie and Mrs. Butterworth 2: Meet Mr. Butterface lies a whole chain of untapped mascots everyone knows and loves from the cereal aisle.  Seriously, there could be backstories for any random thing now.  Slinky: The Battlestar Saga.  Cracker Jack Attack 5.  How Colgate Man Got His “Cool”.  AAA Battery Buddies.  Does any of this really sound like an exaggeration?

Anyway, here’s our take on some cereal movies that will inevitably happen.

Pranks

prankscereal

The Pranks movie is exactly like the Trix movie except it’s packaged in a similar looking DVD box and sold exclusively at dollar stores next to Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast… but not the Disney versions.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Snap_Crackle_Pop

This started off as a legitimate heartfelt film to appeal to children that was basically going to be a ripoff of the Chipmunks movies.  It ended up being more like a Dwayne Johnson version of Doom.  No, it’s more like the Super Mario Bros movie.  Except this time Snap, Crackle, and Pop are three agents recruited from around the world who were brought together to stop an evil drug empire.  And maybe two worlds are merging or something.  It’s a Crackle Original… for obvious reasons.

Quisp

quisp

Quisp is kind of like later Ernest movies, except now they’re straight to Hulu.  They’re on Quisp 7 now.  The propeller guy was buzzing around New York around the third movie, but now he’s a postman in Idaho fighting off trolls.  I don’t know, people stopped watching them after Quisppin’ Now.

Frankenberry

frankenberry

Geez, this franchise is ripe with sequels and spin-offs, isn’t it?  They made like nine Count Chocola movies and then there was a Netflix spinoff CGI series about Boo Berry and Fruit Brute fighting bad guys and learning math.  Now, the buzz has fizzled out a bit and they’re half-rebooting it with a Frankenberry movie.  You know, the sort of sequel nobody asked for?  Learn the origin stories you don’t care about, like why his head looks like a butt, and then slog through boredom to find out about his long lost dog named something like Doggin’ Flavor or something.  I don’t know, it’s probably terrible but will make a ton of money opening weekend so it looks like that Yummy Mummy movie is happening next Thanksgiving.  Green lit day two of release!

Golden Crisp


One day the Sugar bear wakes up and he’s all like, “Wait, when did the name of my cereal change from Sugar Crisp to Golden Crisp?”  He goes on a quest around the world, meets new friends in new places, then wins a prize worth about 40 cents before he hibernates for the next 58 years.  Actually, this is one of those movies you saw next to Beverly Hills Chihuahua 4 on a streaming movie service and gave a chance but it turned out to be okay.  You’d feel weird recommending it to friends, but you kind of wish you could.

Shreddies

Shreddies was a straight-to-DVD video release, region locked for Canada so luckily Linz is here to tell us all about her bootleg. Basically, Freddie and Eddie Shreddies venture out to the galaxy in search of a less boring cereal. Their sacrificial offering of their family members (good, good, whole wheat Shreddies) is happily gobbled up by the Star King. Freddie and Eddie then hitch a ride on the Milky Way back down to earth where live out their final days in hell, forever haunted by the ghosts of their Shreddies brethren.

Their follow-up film, the 2008 critically panned Diamond Shreddies serves as a dark prequel to the Shreddies franchise, following Freddie and Eddie on a journey back to their days in the blood diamond industry.

Ice Cream Cones

The George Lucas-created Ice Cream Cones film saw a lot of success in the 80s, but was swiftly pulled from theatres due to concerns of the main character, Ice Cream Jones, serving as a poor role model and inadvertently inflicting diabetes onto children. The film saw a theatrical re-release in 2003, but Lucas infamously digitally edited out the Ice Cream Jones character.

Cocoa Puffs

Cocoa Puffs is the heartbreaking tale of Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, willing to go to any length for that sweet, sweet hit of Cocoa Puffs. Enabled by the children he cares for, Sonny’s well-being starts to crumble. What started out as a weekend habit eventually overtakes Sonny’s entire life as he stops at nothing for his next taste, eventually driving himself to insanity as literally turns “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”.

Cap’n Crunch

Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch is a notorious ship captain, stopping at nothing to pillage the land of the rare Crunch Berries until it is completely barren. Mercilessly, the Cap’n murders the indigenous Soggies peoples, taking their bounty back home with him to feed his gluttonous land of children. Did you stuff yout face with Cap’n Crunch, only to have the razor blade-esque texture destroy your gums and mouth? Imagine that happening to your family and entire village. You and the Cap’n made that happen.

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