90s, Movies, Quick Lists — December 4, 2014 9:59 am

E.T. Goes to…

Posted by

We love E.T. here at Pop Rewind, for so many, many different reasons. Between the Atari game, the ride, and all the spin-off merchandise, we could live, breathe, and eat E.T. for an eternity and be perfectly content.

Since we can’t get enough of this little guy, I’ve rewritten history a bit. Let’s see what kind of blockbusters we get when E.T. stars in beloved Ernest films.

If you like this article, you’ll probably want to check out some failed E.T. sequels we wrote about along with Rediscover the 80s a while back.

5 – E.T. Goes to Alamogordo

et-goes-to-alamogordo-poster

In E.T. Goes to Alamogordo, E.T. is forced to trade places with a hardened criminal (Howard Scott Warshaw) who creates the worst game ever made and then buries it in the desert in a fit of shame. When the real E.T. escapes from prison via a sewer pipe a la Shawshank Redemption, will he uncover the mass grave of buried Atari cartridges to prove his innocence? Only time will tell.

4 – E.T. Rides Again

et-rides-again-version2

In E.T. Rides Again, E.T. and his buddy Ernest are on the lam, trying to escape from jewel thieves by bicycle. Will E.T.’s bicycle become airborne in time to outrun the jewel thieves or will the infamous duo be captured and tortured until they give up the crown jewels along with some weird glowy alien finger?

3 – E.T. Saves Christmas

et-saves-christmas

E.T. stars as a taxi driver in the classic holiday masterpiece, E.T. Saves Christmas. As the Christmas season approaches, Atari quickly finishes their piece de resistance– E.T. for the Atari 2600. Will developers be able to get it ready to hit the shelves in time? Will this 2-bit game blow children’s minds and be enough to save the holiday season from the video game crash of 1983? Spoiler: no.

2 – E.T. Scared Stupid

et-scared-stupid-poster

E.T. is back at it again, this time for the Hallowe’en season in E.T. Scared Stupid. A troll is on the prowl, kidnapping innocent children and E.T. is the only one who can stop him. Can E.T. amass enough of the troll’s weakness, Reese’s Piaces, to kill the troll and save all the children? Or will the children die in some freakishly depressing ending to what was billed as a family-friendly movie? Probably the latter.

et-scared-stupid-reeses-piaces

1 – Slam Dunk E.T.

slam-dunk-et

While it’s true that White Men Can’t Jump (if we are to believe early Woody Harrelson movies and Atari Jaguar video games), no one has ever said that shriveled Reese’s Pieces loving aliens can’t jump (I Googled it).

et-google

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gives E.T. a pair of magical shoes a la the M.C. Hammer cartoon. The shoes give E.T. super basketball powers, and soon he’s the star player of his coworker’s basketball team. Will E.T. come clean and play fair, or will he assert his new-found dominance over his own team and others as he schools chumps in the game of basketball? Or will he finally learn that joining a coworker’s sports team is probably the sixth worst idea ever? This direct-to-video morality tale will perplex you and your family for generations to come.

If you’re interested in any of these films, just watch the following clip. It’s about as accurate as it gets. Know what I mean?

Where would you like to see E.T. go next? Leave us a comment below and let us know!

 

Leave a Reply

— required *

— required *

Loading Facebook Comments ...