80s, Blog, Holidays, Music — December 22, 2015 4:40 pm

Let Blondie’s Rapture Music Video Help You Pick Out an Ugly Holiday Sweater!

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Have you been invited to an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party? Are you worried about the originality of your sweater because someone wore the same Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles one as you before (true story)?

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Never fear, Blondie’s here.

Blondie’s “Rapture” is a notable song for a few reasons: it was the first #1 song on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 charts to feature rap (if you want to call what Deborah Harry was doing “rap”), was the first rap video on MTV, and it showcases a majestic early 80s fashion show– one that can help you this holiday season.

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Bachelor #1 shows up in a lovely heather blue almost military style sweater. It seems a little tame for a Holiday party, but there’s something to be said about subtlety.

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Bachelor #2 prances out in an embossed navy blue blazer. This looks like it may be silk. This is more for the Ugly Holiday Sweater After Party where everyone changes into smoking jackets, as that happens at adult parties. Sometimes you don’t want to have to go back to your car to change so you go balls deep on your After Party fashion.

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Bachelor #3 also wore a blazer, a pretty boring one, but if you make his dance moves your dance moves this holiday season, you’ll be sure to get your balls jingled, or some other equally tasteful holiday sex joke. What you lack in Ugly Sweaters, make up for in sweet dance moves. That’s the takeaway here if you’re underage.

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Looking like that weird kid in your second grade class (you know the guy, and if you don’t know the guy then you’re the guy. Sorry you had to find out like this), Bachelor #4 is the clear winner. I didn’t want to award a winner already, but I kind of have to. A black sweater is a wardrobe staple. A black sweater with a V-neck pattern made entirely of shards of glass and mirror? That’s some haute couture shit right there.

You could make the argument that this black and silver masterpiece is not an Ugly Holiday Sweater. You’re wrong. You don’t have to dress head-to-toe in green and red. The sparkly shards are way more festive. And if someone argues with you, just shank them with your Holiday sweater.

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It’s difficult to follow that sweater up, so Bachelor #5 doesn’t even try. And he doesn’t need to. That round bowl of hair on his head matched with the beardy beardness of his beard (outbearding everyone in the video), gives him extra points. Plus, look how happy he is just being there! Everyone wants to talk to him!

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Thank you, lucky bachelors of Blondie’s “Rapture” music video, for showing us that Ugly Holiday Sweaters don’t have to be garish and green and red. They can be garish and sharp. Literally.

I hope this in-depth analysis of the outfits in Blondie’s “Rapture” helped with your Ugly Holiday Sweater selections. I hope to see more sweaters incorporating broken glass into their aesthetic this season.

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