Whoa there buddy. Before you start leaving angry comments, hear me out: I don’t hate Star Wars. I’m simply indifferent to it. I’m bad at movies. Like, really, really bad (remember when I only saw 1971’s Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory for the first time in February?) My attention span is kind of the worst. I’ve seen most of the Star Wars films, the first two of each trilogy so far. I even saw Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace in theatres. Twice. And had a bootleg VHS screener that I watched before it hit theatres. And that was the one with Jar Jar Binks! Those aren’t the actions of someone who hates a franchise, right?
Disclaimers out of the way, I just prefer Spaceballs. Or funny movies in general. Or anything with Rick Moranis in it (yes, even Big Bully).
As I browse the Internet on a daily basis, I’m greeted by a lot of Star Wars merchandise and perhaps what stands out most to me is the amount of Star Wars-branded food out there right now. I mean, look at this page from a local grocery flyer:
After a trip out to a couple different grocery stores, I amassed nine Star Wars food products:
The first trip, I purchased the Star Wars cereal and fruit snacks but also other grown-up grocery things like broccoli and snap peas. The second trip was the rest of the Star Wars items and a box of Sweet Tarts (to throw the cashier off). The cashier dude totally called me out on buying all the Star Wars items. “Gee, I hope the film does well, that’s a lot of Star Wars food.” BITCH, I KNOW. Damn. Lesson learned, use the self checkout at all times.
So, how are these Star Wars snacks? How do they hold up against the regular versions of these foods? They still make Gushers? All this, and more, will be answered with an arbitrary star rating system.
Note: Sorry, wasn’t getting those Yoplait Tubes. I’ve spent 32 years trying to like yogurt and have come to the conclusion that yogurt is devil semen.
I wanted to review all three cereals without eating three complete breakfasts, so into the bowl they all went. This does not make a delicious combination.
Honey Bunches of Oats:
I feel like I’ve eaten these in the last five years, but I do not enjoy them. There’s something vaguely coconutty in this bowl and I think Honey Bunches of Oats is the culprit. Looking at the box, we see Round R2-D2 as the new Honey Bunches of Oats mascot (I was hoping for Honey Bunches of Hall & Oates, but I guess that isn’t Star Wars-themed). Is Round R2-D2 just an old coconut with computer parts glued on? Yes. One star.
Opening the box smells just like my childhood. I didn’t realize it until now, but Honeycomb was one of the cereals my mom always bought. I remember losing a molar chomping down on one (sugary cereals, amirite? Nah, it was a baby molar). These were good and filled me with happy memories of watching Saturday morning cartoons in front of my parents’ huge wood-paneled floor TV. Did not feel compelled to join Dark Side. Kylo Ren (Rylo Ken?) is not an effective cereal mascot. Two stars.
Here’s where my Canadian shows. It’s weird to eat Shreddies in milk as cereal, like God intended. I eat Shreddies all the time. My mom makes a bootleg Chex Mix she calls Nuts ‘n Bolts made of Cheerios, pretzels, cheese crackers of some sort, and yes, Shreddies. When I’m at her house, I always help myself to a big serving of Nuts ‘n Bolts, concentrating on eating all of the cheese crackers. When I think Shreddies I think salt because she douses all of these things in Worcestershire sauce and garlic salt. Having a soggy mouthful of bland Shreddies reminds me why people think Canada is too polite, too boring. Is Captain Phasma Canadian? Too polite and boring? It looks like a souped up Stormtrooper. You can give a Stormtrooper a cape, but I still won’t give a fuck. Captain Phasma sounds like an Avengers or Fantastic Four reject, so it’s fitting they’re on the box of such an underwhelming cereal. Lack of stars.
Mr. Christie’s Honey Snack Packs:
If you’re a fan of those 100 calorie pack things, this is pretty much one of those but with 30 more calories. If we did a Pepsi Challenge but instead it was a Teddy Grahams Challenge, I would say these taste just like how I remember Teddy Grahams tasting. Unfortunately, I was not able to use the Force after eating these. In fact, I could barely pick up some rocks. Two stars.
Mr. Christie’s Cacao Snack Packs:
Mr. Christie, how did you know my safe word?! Same deal as above, but in chocolate form. I prefer the Honey variety, which means I’m not cut out for the Dark Side. But I’m left confused since I can’t use the Force for good, either. Two stars.
The Dark Side variety of these cookies did offer a larger variety of shapes in the bag that I opened, however. I can see why the Dark Side is tempting. I often err on the side that offers more cookies in my everyday life.
Don’t let these boxes fool you. Yoda is on one side of the Fruit Snacks box with Darth Vader on the other. I’m sure this is representative of the fine line between the Dark Side and the… Regular Side?
Star Wars Fruit Gushers Variety Pack:
Before finding those Star Wars items in the grocery ad earlier this week, I had no idea that they still made Gushers. And until I got home and started taking photos, I didn’t realize half the box was grape. Gushin’ Grape. Gross.
Last time I had Gushers, I was probably in the sixth grade. How do they stack up? Eating Gushers is like having room temperature C-3PO spit shot into your mouth. I watch some weird stuff online, but that was not a welcomed action. I feel a little dirty. And not in a good way. Cacao!
Star Wars Fruit Flavoured Snacks:
I’m a bit offended that I had to open three packages of these fruit snacks in order to find a blue one. And I only found one red one. They did a decent job getting the shapes down. The Stormtrooper tasted red, the USS Enterprise tasted orange, The Incredible Crash Dummies one tasted like the 7-Up Soda-Licious, and the rest of them tasted like fruit snacks. Except for Darth Vader Grape, that Dimetapp motherfucker.
Neither of these things made me pick a side. I was picking gooey fruit bits out of my molars all afternoon, if that counts for anything. Two stars.
Popchips Sea Salt Potato Chips:
Like a potato chip, but less greasy. You’d think with Chewbacca frontin’ the bag, these would be more greasy. These weren’t even the least bit hairy and they didn’t taste like they were 200+ years old. They were pretty fresh. Nor were they as salty as I imagine licking Chewbacca would be.
Not unpleasant, but hoped they’d be more disgusting and smell like wet dog. False advertising. One star.
R2-D2 Holiday Sugar Cookies:
Ahhh, this was the Star Wars product that inspired the whole article. Those Pillsbury Sugar Cookies they put out for every holiday are delicious. But how hilarious is it that there’s an R2-D2 version?
These cookies have fulfilled my yearly intake of Blue #1. I look forward to the green poop that I will inevitably experience tonight. Ate three, but did not start beeping, projecting holograms, or mildly electrocuting random strangers. Maybe that happens after eating 24. Will keep you posted. All the stars!